Thoughts On Retirement

                                                            Retirement

                                                         by Wilbur Witt

     I woke up four days ago retired. A thing like that sneaks up on you. One day you're fifty, and it seems like the next you're down at the Social Security office and they're saying, "No problem." Reality check!  Being retired has it's perks. I don't have to check for jobs at call centers any more. Electricity is always on, and that's nice. You tend to start wine a little earlier in the afternoon. Girls get prettier, too, but I can't make the connection. 

     I have noticed that the guy looking back at me when I brush my teeth looks a bit older these days. Also, I've seen a doctor four times in the last four months, compared to four times in the precious forty years. Doctors scare the piss out of me, always have. The difference in my blood pressure between the doctor's office and the parking lot can be fifty points! I guess I'm supposed to be wise. I don't feel wiser. Maybe it's the accumulation of years of screwing up that you draw on. 

     I'm going to put up with sitting on the porch being wise for about a month, and then I'm going to finish CenterVille. I remember Col Sanders started Kentucky Fried Chicken AFTER he went on Social Security. I have to research what happens when I get royalties. With my luck, now that I'm stable my royalties with balloon and screw it all up. I'll think about that tomorrow, I won't think about that today. 

     I don't think I'll get married again. For one, I'm not attracted to sixty year old women, and for another I can't do a twenty year old any good. Seems like all the young girls want a sugar daddy until daddy wants that sugar. I like pretty girls, but it's like hard rock candy. Some candy isn't for eating, it's just for looking through. 

     I refuse to use a cane or drink Ensure. I will use the power carts at the grocery store, but that's because I'm lazy. I hate Jeopardy on TV. I will concede box wine as opposed to bottled, but that falls back to too lazy thing. Also I'll most likely replace Bombay with McCormick's Gin. I honestly can't tell the difference in a martini made with either, but then, I'm just a simple OLD boy from Austin, and folks like me don't notice such things.